Hello again – a triumph to report!

Wow I thought I’d take a little break from blogging, as nothing really was happening, and suddenly it’s been two months!

So in some ways, nothing much has happened, but then in some ways an awful lot has happened.

To begin with HSG results – all fine. I was disappointed really, I was hoping I might have a blocked tube that the dye was going to push through and unblock and then suddenly I’d be all fertile and pregnant. However, this was not the case. When I picked up my results I was told all looked normal, but because of the pain I experience during my period (vomiting, fainting, unable to move) it was very likely to be endometriosis and I should book in for another laparoscopy. Following that, IVF would be the way to go.

Now I’ve already had one laparoscopy five years ago, and nothing showed up. I”m not keen to have yet another one, only for the same result to potentially come back. It took me weeks to recover from the first one, and I guess I just don’t feel ready for all that again. And if I do have endometriosis, they might be able to laser some of it off, and I’ll have a fertile window, but who knows for how long, and ultimately it will most likely come back.

I decided to go down a different route for a bit, implementing a massive diet overhaul and started taking Chinese herbs on top of my acupuncture. And do you know what? IT’S WORKING. I honestly cannot believe it, but for the first time in maybe 7 or 8 years, my period has not ruined almost two days of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still need to take painkillers, but the difference is my body is responding to them – and just over the counter painkillers, not extra strong prescribed ones.

So this last weekend, when my period showed up (I had hoped it wouldn’t, even did a pregnancy test last week as was feeling hopeful, how silly of me) I WENT OUT on the main day of my period (usually the most painful). I went for lunch with friends, then later, my sister stayed, and I cooked dinner, and we watched a movie. I had a normal day. This is MASSIVE for me, life changing. My periods have interrupted my life for years and years: normally I can barely move, even getting to the bathroom is difficult, often I crawl around just willing time to pass whilst slowly going insane – I’ve even called A&E before.

What I’ve done: on top of the Chinese herbs, I’ve cut out all red meat entirely, and only eat chicken maybe once every two weeks if it’s organic. I have cut out dairy and also cut out about 80% of sugar from my diet (can anyone do 100%?!, surely not possible). So my diet has been mainly of fish and vegetables. Also (and I appreciate this is a bit nuts), I’ve switched my body wash, shampoo and conditioner to organic brands, with no added nasties.  I’ve also been using a magnesium spray which is meant to be a good way of boosting your levels as it absorbs quickly through the skin. Magnesium is meant to help with muscle relaxation and all sorts of good things – have a little look on Google if you’re interested! I guess the only downside is that I don’t actually know which of these things is actually working, or maybe it’s a combination!

I’m not saying it’s easy, or even possible to keep up long term, but I intend to keep it going for a good little while to see if my body balances itself out. And here’s my thinking, if my infertility is caused by endometriosis, then the inflammation is part of the problem. If I can reduce that inflammation and balance out my body naturally then who knows, maybe one day I can get pregnant. I know this is wishful thinking, but for now, the natural way is so much more appealing than going into hospital again for yet another procedure. As for the pregnancy thing, I’m not even thinking about it this month, I’m enjoying feeling fit and healthy and trying to listen to what my body needs.

SC x

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Liebster Award

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I have been nominated by My Brain’s Escape for the Liebster Award! Thank you to Amy who has an amazing, heartfelt blog. I always look out for her updates, you should take a look if you haven’t already!

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The questions that she gave me to answer are as follows (I will keep the answers brief as I tend to waffle)

  1. What country do you live in? United Kingdom
  2. Do you like to cook/bake? If so, what’s your favorite recipe? I like to cook, where I can make recipes up as I go along. I do not like to bake: I don’t have the patience to measure everything out so specifically as required when baking, and I get extremely angry when it all goes wrong (which is inevitably does)
  3. What type of job do you have? (Doesn’t have to be specific, just the general field you work in) I work as a programme officer, so supporting various projects and making sure people are doing what they are meant to be doing!
  4. Who do you feel has the most control, or gets their way more, in your relationship? Ooh controversial, I like it! I have been with my husband for a long time, and certainly at the beginning when I was younger it was me who got their own way, a lot. However as I’ve got older I’ve realised it’s not all about getting my own way, and things are much more even between us now.
  5. What “hidden” talent do you have that not many people know about? I make up fake words for things, sometimes they replace something that already exists, sometimes they are just strange sounds. Not sure this is an actual talent, but more a sign of lunacy
  6. If you could live anywhere in the world, money/work wasn’t a concern, where would it be? The UK. I love it here, I love the seasons, the pub culture, the history, the diversity and of course the ability to be sarcastic about almost everything
  7. Do you collect anything? No I don’t, I hate holding onto stuff and don’t really have a lot of sentiment for things, happy to mostly throw things out
  8. Do you have pets? If so, what are they and what are their names? Yes! Two lovely cats, Freddie (Mercury) and Lucy. They make me very happy.
  9. When you’re upset or stressed and need to relax, what do you usually do? More recently it’s been the gym. I started spinning last year and I absolutely love it. I also love the smell of lavender, (such an old lady) and find the smell very comforting.
  10. Do you have any injuries/scars from something that happened to you that impede on your every day life? I have a scar on my head from a car accident, but nothing that impedes my daily life, thankfully.
  11. If blogs didn’t exist, how would you get your feelings out? I’m not really one for holding back on my feelings, I’ve got some amazing friends and family members who are very patient and understanding so I think those feelings would be coming out one way or another anyway.

11 Random Facts About Me

  1. I’ve been with my husband for almost 14 years
  2. I used to have a crush on Freddie Mercury, and am still obsessed with Queen
  3. I have a tattoo that I got in New Zealand – I fainted whilst I was having it done
  4. I love live music and am very happy to have seen some amazing legends play (in my opinion) – Madonna, Oasis, Blur, Amy Winehouse
  5. I can say the alphabet backwards (SO useful)
  6. My favourite flowers are tulips (never used to be into flowers, obviously a sign of getting older)
  7. I’m scared of dolls, and as a kid never had one
  8. I also have a phobia of crabs (yay, I’m so normal)
  9. I can do the alphabet in sign language (bet you’re loving the alphabet facts)
  10. I used to have 11 holes in my ears, 6 in one and 4 in the other – they look ok now, but feel very bumpy if you were to touch them (but why would anyone do that)
  11. I’m doing a 34 mile bike ride next month for charity

My 11 questions for my nominees are:

  1. What simple thing makes you happy?
  2. What sort of music do you like?
  3. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
  4. Do you have any tattoos?
  5. Do you have any weird fears?
  6. Do you play an instrument?
  7. How do you think others would describe you in three words?
  8. Where has been the best place you’ve travelled to?
  9. What languages can you speak?
  10. Do you have any pets?
  11. How long have you been blogging for?

I still feel pretty new to the blogging world, so am going to nominate a variety of blogs from those that I keep up with frequently to those I’d like to get to know more. Really sorry if you’ve already been nominated.

SC x

According to Katie

My Ectopic Experience

Tales of a 30 Year Old Nothing

LittleDragon84

A Calm Persistence

Rivers in the Wasteland

Que Milagro

The Recurrently Hopeful

Solving the Four Years of Infertility Mystery

The DogBird Fam

Try Try Again

Dressing to Impress

I bet from the title you thought this blog would be about dressing well to make yourself feel better. Erm no….I just wondered whether anyone else dresses like total shit when they are chilling out at home, or do people actually manage to look decent?!

So tonight, I got home and it was really warm, so I threw on my elasticated skirt with no shape (doesn’t that sound great? why do I even buy this stuff?) and a vest top. But then, after a little while, I was cold, so I put on my weird black and red turtle neck jumper that I bought in Barcelona (at the time I thought it was funky and cool  – turns out it was not). And then, my feet were freezing, so I found some really trendy snoopy socks in my drawer, expect I could only one orange and one green. And there we have it, the perfect look. Do you think this is a look for Vogue? I caught sight of myself in the mirror and couldn’t help laughing. I’m sure M sees this and realises what a lucky boy he is…. Just call me the Fashion Queen….

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London – City Love

I live just 15 minutes from London on the train, so I’m there pretty regularly – however today I found out last minute I had a meeting in the City (financial district), which is an area I rarely go to. The meeting finished at 4pm and I had arranged to meet a friend for dinner a little later, so I had a few hours to just mooch around, and today I found that my lovely London really helped me to slow my mind down and relax.

I sat in the beautiful sunshine by the river Thames and ate popcorn, and then walked along the river edge to St Paul’s Cathedral. I love thinking about the history of London, it somehow calms me and gives me a settled and cosy feeling. It gives me a chance to use my imagination and I make up people in my head and stories to go with them. Evidence of past lives and stories are all there if you look close enough – they make London what it is today.

And modern London is always so full of life- it’s always vibrant and just radiates energy that you can’t describe unless you are there. And I love how it’s possible to completely blend in with the place – everyone is just busy getting on with their own lives. I know that this is the very thing that some people don’t like about huge cities, but for me, it’s such a comfort and I will never tire of lovely London. Few photos below from earlier today 🙂

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Here We Go Again

So I haven’t mentioned this yet, but the HSG test did have a side effect after all: my period. A week early. Only a little over 3 weeks from the previous one.

For some, this probably wouldn’t be a big deal, but for me, it’s a nightmare because of the crippling pain / missed time off work. And this one was bad. Bad in a way I won’t even go into, but it was three days of utter agony and was physically and mentally exhausting.

But anyway, onwards and upwards – we are onto a new month of trying. I thought I’d feel excited but to be honest I just feel a bit defeated by it all at the moment. I’m still waiting for the HSG results and have been tormenting myself with what they might show. Despite a laparoscopy five years ago which said no endometriosis, I’m convinced I must have something like that, because what else could be causing this type of pain? Pain that causes black outs and prevents me from being able to think in a coherent way cannot be normal can it? But to diagnose this I would need another laparoscopy – last time I took a long time to recover and I just don’t feel that I can through another. And it’s more time off work again. I guess I’ll worry about that if and when it becomes a possibility.

So yes, trying to muster up some enthusiasm for this month, but to be honest, after almost a year and a half of absolutely nothing it really doesn’t feel like pregnancy is even a possibility. I see pictures of people’s positive pregnancy tests, with the two lines peeping out, and  can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like to see those two little life changers staring back at me. I’ve only ever been a one line kind of girl.

Last month was my month off, and it was interesting because despite knowing that there was absolutely no chance of pregnancy, I still had “symptoms”. Of course the sore breasts, but also weird stabbing pains, nausea and bleeding gums. What I hope this has shown me is that obviously these “symptoms” do not automatically mean that I am pregnant, sometimes they are just part of my monthly cycle. So I’m hoping this month I can ignore a lot of these feelings and therefore feel a little more sane as we move onto a brand new month on the TTC treadmill.

SC x

10 things that help when you’re trying for a baby

Love this post, thank you Try Try Again x

Try Try Again

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for two and a half years now, and have lost three along the way. During this time there have been massive highs and even bigger lows, which we’ve managed to deal with, but I find sometimes the hardest thing to deal with is day to day – just getting out of bed, plodding along, waiting for the next part of the cycle. So i’ve put together a list of things which help me out, day to day. These are in no particular order, but I hope that some of them help:

1 – Accept the bad days

One thing which still shocks me is how one minute I’m ok – getting on with life, making plans, at work etc – then the next minute I’m an emotional mess, in floods of tears. Sometimes there’s a reason for this (baby/miscarriage related)…

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“No sex this month – do you understand?”

So, a break from everything from me this month: it’s been the month of the HSG test. And just to explain my title there – at our initial appointment we were warned, not once, not twice, but THREE times by our nurse that we were not, under any circumstance to have sex before this test. I mean yes it was obviously very important that we didn’t – but come on, we don’t need telling three times. And nor do I need it written down in bold AND underlined on my information letter. Thank you but I can see the warning just fine in normal font.

So anyway, the HSG test. I was nervous. I promised myself I wouldn’t Google horror stories. But of course I did. I might as well have googled the actual words “Google horror stories”. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just can’t stay away from ridiculous Google searches which are never going to do me any good whatsoever!

The test itself wasn’t great, but not as bad as I”d worked up in my head. Having the speculum inserted was far more painful than the dye being pumped through, which I’d read was meant to be the worst part. I suffer from horrendously painful periods and this wasn’t anymore painful than those. What I was disappointed about though was that I wasn’t able to watch the dye going through my tubes on the screen, like I’ve read some women have been able to. I have to wait two weeks and then phone up to make an appointment to get the results.

I”m worried what it will show. Blocked tubes? Fibroids, cysts? A weird shaped uterus? Part of me wants everything to be all clear, but part of me wants there to be something wrong, something to explain the pain I go through every month, and something to explain why after 15 months we are still not pregnant. For now, I have to be patient and wait. Oh dear. Not my strong point.

And, since my HSG test was after ovulation, we really haven’t been able to try this month. And this forced break has done me the world of good. I’ve had a lovely month feeling like myself again. No living my life around my cycle and when I might be ovulating and whether I should be drinking etc. It’s almost like a little holiday, away from the “trying to get pregnant” person I seem to have become. The only problem is, we didn’t try because we were forced to have a break this month (quite literally, see title of this blog and remember the bold and underlined scary letter), but I”m not sure I would be able to take a break if there wasn’t a real reason to. The temptation of trying when I know I”m ovulating would be too much and I expect I would give in – but hey, another six months of this and maybe I will go on another little break and enjoy being just me again for a bit.

So for now, it’s all about the patience. Oh good.

SC x