I’ve only had my blog a few hours but on my second entry already. Likelihood is, noone will ever read this, but it is very cathartic and I”m enjoying the process of writing again.
So, still on the infertility issue: I guess it’s the most consuming thing on my mind these days. What’s so strange is that I feel that over these past 13 months I have become obsessed with becoming pregnant, and yet the ironic thing is, I think I’m missing the maternal gene. I don’t get gooey over babies, I certainly have no desire to cuddle or hold my friend’s babies, and yet, I can’t imagine my life without children. The word broody means nothing to me, and I don’t think it ever will.
I don’t know what this says about me, and I used to worry about it, but I’ve decided that it’s just me, and it’s just the way I am. I’m not what you might consider “conventional” in many ways, so this must just be another one of those things, I certainly can’t change the way I feel. It’s definitely something I no longer fret over.
So I suppose that given the above, I’m pretty surprised about my behaviour over the course of each month and especially the TWW (two week wait). And how, might you ask, do I know that acronym? Well, dear reader, it is because I trawl the internet every month looking up symptoms to convince myself that I might be pregnant. And I’ve been known to stay up late, very late, googling away until I feel I’ve had my fix. Some months it feels like an addiction. I’ve looked up some really stupid things – I mean “sore breasts” and “nausea” are fairly understandable, type these words into google along with the words “early pregnancy” and you’ll be overwhelmed with hits, but in desperate times I’ve even been know to try “cramp in toe, early pregnancy” – I’m not proud, but at the time it seemed completely possible! During the first six months of trying I cringe to think how many pregnancy tests I did. And more to the point, how much money I spent. Of course all of them were negative, but I had read on the internet that sometimes the positive line can take a long while to show up – so I’d take the test, throw it away, then make frequent trips back to the bathroom to route through the bin to check it again – just incase of course. Pregnancy tests are now banned in our house, it was a mutual decision between my husband “M” and I. No more wasting money, and no more rummaging through the bin for me.