I never said I was proud of this behaviour…

I’ve only had my blog a few hours but on my second entry already. Likelihood is, noone will ever read this, but it is very cathartic and I”m enjoying the process of writing again.

So, still on the infertility issue: I guess it’s the most consuming thing on my mind these days. What’s so strange is that I feel that over these past 13 months I have become obsessed with becoming pregnant, and yet the ironic thing is, I think I’m missing the maternal gene. I don’t get gooey over babies, I certainly have no desire to cuddle or hold my friend’s babies, and yet, I can’t imagine my life without children. The word broody means nothing to me, and I don’t think it ever will.

I don’t know what this says about me, and I used to worry about it, but I’ve decided that it’s just me, and it’s just the way I am. I’m not what you might consider “conventional” in many ways, so this must just be another one of those things, I certainly can’t change the way I feel. It’s definitely something I no longer fret over.

So I suppose that given the above, I’m pretty surprised about my behaviour over the course of each month and especially the TWW (two week wait). And how, might you ask, do I know that acronym? Well, dear reader, it is because I trawl the internet every month looking up symptoms to convince myself that I might be pregnant. And I’ve been known to stay up late, very late, googling away until I feel I’ve had my fix. Some months it feels like an addiction. I’ve looked up some really stupid things – I mean “sore breasts” and “nausea” are fairly understandable, type these words into google along with the words “early pregnancy” and you’ll be overwhelmed with hits, but in desperate times I’ve even been know to try “cramp in toe, early pregnancy” – I’m not proud, but at the time it seemed completely possible! During the first six months of trying I cringe to think how many pregnancy tests I did. And more to the point, how much money I spent. Of course all of them were negative, but I had read on the internet that sometimes the positive line can take a long while to show up – so I’d take the test, throw it away, then make frequent trips back to the bathroom to route through the bin to check it again –  just incase of course. Pregnancy tests are now banned in our house, it was a mutual decision between my husband “M” and I. No more wasting money, and no more rummaging through the bin for me.

6 thoughts on “I never said I was proud of this behaviour…

  1. crydul says:

    Just wanted you to know someone read this who understands. There’s so much out there on TTC, the TWW, and symptom spotting a girl could go mad, but nothing truly helpful. So I’ve decided it avoid it and get writing myself. Prayers for you.


    • justasec83 says:

      Thank you so much for your comment and letting me know I’m not alone- the trying to conceive community is a world I never knew existed until 13 months ago, and it’s spot on when you say it could drive you mad.
      I love the idea of replacing all the symptom spotting and wasted time on the internet with something positive like writing. It’s calming, productive and so therapeutic! Wishing you the best of luck with the writing too.
      SC x

      Liked by 1 person

    • justasec83 says:

      Thank you for commenting Jennie, it’s so nice to know that others feel this way too. Everytime I feel like looking up a symptom I am planning to write a post on my blog instead – I think we could be looking at a lot of posts 😉


  2. thegreatpuddinglcubhunt says:

    Oh I’m so with you in googling …I was worried once in the 2ww when I got a cold, so I googled ‘early pregnancy + cold’ turns out that in itself a cold can be a symptom because your immune system lowers…Of course, it was just a cold…but I still hung onto that hope for the 2ww!!! Blogging will definitely help, personally I find more useful than forums for most support


    • justasec83 says:

      I’ve googled the cold too! Then when it lasted a long while I googled that too, which was obviously a sign too….determined to stay off those sites for now, would hate to add up all the time I have wasted. Love your blog by the way 🙂
      SC x

      Liked by 1 person

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