Since we started trying to get pregnant (13 months and counting) we haven’t had what I would describe as a “month off”. Every month I’ve gone through the “am I or aren’t I” game and to be honest it’s exhausting. I’ve often thought that the notion of a month off from trying altogether would be a relief: I could have a drink without feeling guilty, forget to take all my annoying supplements and vitamins and just generally focus on other areas of my life for a bit. And perhaps the disappointment wouldn’t be so crushing if I knew there was no chance of pregnancy at all. But, every month, when ovulation time comes round, it’s so hard to let go – what if this is the month that it’s meant to be and we have missed it? Do we really want to miss an opportunity here? So there have been a few months where I’ve suggested to M that we have a break, but then never been able to keep to my own conviction.
So this month, due to work stress, both of us being very busy, feeling unwell and other factors, we hadn’t really planned to miss a month, but it sort of happened anyway – for the first time. I thought I would feel relieved, I thought it would abate the pressure, but actually, it hasn’t helped at all. For every day that we didn’t try during my fertile days, I felt stressed and annoyed that we were wasting an opportunity. And I’ve realised that for every month that we do try, then there is at least hope. Hope that this month we might have actually made a baby, whereas this month, I know that we won’t have. There will be no point in symptom spotting and no allowing my mind to wander with “what if”. I’m going to miss it, the very thing that is driving me crazy each month also appears to be the very thing that is keeping me going, and that revolves around hope.
And so, at least now I know, that for me, missing a month of trying isn’t going to reduce my stress levels or make me any happier. The only thing I can enjoy this month is guilt free drinking, which at this point doesn’t even sound that great, although I’m sure as the days roll on I will be taking advantage of it……