Never going to be that kind of woman….

So a bit of a different update, because there’s just nothing whatsoever going on in the TTC world for me – I have an HSG Test on the 7th April and we aren’t allowed to try before it, and since it’s after my fertile window, this month really is out for us. More on that in another update I think.

Today is a reflection and an understanding that I’m never going to be one of those women who appear to have it all together  -do you know the type I mean? Perfect hair and clothes that don’t seem to bobble or lose their shape. They don’t trip up on the street and they don’t lose their bank cards every other month. They don’t ever seem to have more than one bag, whereas I often do a good impression of a bag lady and sometimes lug around two or three (all full of crap). I bet if you put your hand in the bottom of their handbag it would be clean, not full of biscuit crumbs, old mints and 67 shop receipts. Please don’t be offended if you are one of those women, I would like to be a little more like you sometimes, but I’ve accepted it’s unlikely to happen!

A little example? Ok so on Thursday I had to head into London for a fairly important meeting. I attempted to wear my “smart” work clothes which was a black shirt and grey skirt (exciting I know). So I got up pretty early and got dressed practically in the dark. I grabbed a pair of black tights from the spare room where they had been drying and pulled them on. What I didn’t notice, was that Lucy, my cat, must have at some point fancied a snooze on my clean washing, and my tights were covered, (and I mean COVERED) in white fur. I only notice this however when I get to the bus stop. And do you think those bloody little hairs would come off? Oh no. It was like they were superglued. It was also pouring with rain, which aided the whole glue effect. Picture weird hopping around whilst simultaneously trying to brush down my legs.

So I get into London and head to Starbucks for a drink as I”m early (I can at least manage my time, if nothing else). I fumble around for a pen to make a few notes, but all I can find in my bag is a bright pink pen with a little bear holding a flower hanging from it – are you f*cking kidding me?!! My cousins daughter had got it for me for my birthday, and although it’s sweet, it’s hardly appropriate for a meeting. So instead of enjoying my tea, I spent the next ten minutes trying to break the chain with my teeth between the bright pink pen and the little bear. Hardly the look of sophistication, and why do I never see this sort of thing happening to other people?!

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And while i’m on this subject, last year I had a shoe fiasco, it was only at the bus stop at the END of the day did I notice the below – as I said, I”m just never going to be one of those women! At least I can honestly say there isn’t a dull moment 🙂

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A Bit Angry

I’m a bit angry. Not just on behalf of myself, but on behalf of all the women out there struggling with trying to conceive. The more I read of other blogs out there, the more I realise how much time, energy and emotion is taken up with this trying to conceive bullshit. But women struggling with infertility should not be pitied, they should be respected and admired, because the strength and resolve I’ve seen out there has knocked me sideways. Those who never strive down this path do not realise what infertility is affiliated with: blood tests, intimate investigations, hormone injections, surgery, risky procedures, reoccurring pain, reoccurring loss, grief……..and I really could go on.

I had a difficult week last week and hit a bit of a new low following my appointment at the infertility clinic. I sometimes feel as though I have forgotten what I was like before all this crap. I absolutely refuse to let this define me, I was/am a strong minded individual who knows my own mind and is very comfortable in my own skin. This infertility journey will NOT rob me of who I am. It’s not going to be easy, because it’s always going to be everywhere – I have tests coming up and not to mention period pain that interferes with my life. I have pregnant friends and I want to be a part of that, so avoidance isn’t an option, but what I do have is determination to stay on top of this – this doesn’t mean I’m going to be fine all the time, but if nothing else i will continue to fight.

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Google Abuse

Dear Google,

I’m so sorry for the abuse last month, it wasn’t big nor clever, and I will try and be better next month.

I’m confess I wasted my precious my precious time and yours by searching the following:

  • can a cold delay ovulation
  • my breasts usually hurt after my period, but pain came later this month
  • how quickly does acupuncture help you get pregnant
  • breasts hurt more at the front than the sides bfp?
  • nipples look darker bfp
  • feeling bloated tww
  • headaches three days in a row following ovulation
  • Sinus pain early pregnancy sign
  • mouth ulcer two early pregnancy sign
  • feeling cold tww bfp
  • feeling shivery tww bfp
  • fish oil helping fertility
  • runny nose tww
  • having a nap in tww bfp
  • breasts feel heavy bfp
  • 10dpo bfn followed by bfp
  • 12dpo bfn followed by bfp
  • 12dpo nauseous
  • burning feeling in throat tww bfp
  • cramps felt different this month
  • cramps didn’t follow ovulation like usual
  • negative test but then positive test
  • awaking early two bfp
  • first response stats
  • first response accuracy
  • ovulated later than i thought bfp
  • spotting 14dpo bfp
  • twinges in stomach tww

Hmm I can’t decide which one I’m most proud of.

And these are only the ones I remember….this was despite not even trying at the right time this month ( I then became convinced I might have ovulated late and therefore got it right anyway)

Yours shamefully

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Lucy. Much needed love and company

Today is my least favourite of the month. It’s the day my period turns up, bringing along the familiar disappointment with it, the crippling pain and of course the worry of missing work, yet again. Since 4am this morning I’ve been awake with debilitating pain, it’s 10am now and I’m just being allowed some respite before it all kicks off again. I deal with this all day, completely alone, I get a few hours of respite followed by pain that sends me out of my mind. Getting up, even for a glass of water kicks the pain off again, so I limit my movements as much as possible.

So yes, today is a struggle, but one little thing that keeps me going is my Lucy. I totally appreciate that not everyone loves cats as much as I do – but for me, she’s my saviour at this time of the month, she just doesn’t leave my side. It’s a real comfort and I’d be lost without her, she absolutely knows when I’m feeling unwell like this.

We found Lucy online from a private seller. We had picked up Freddie our boy cat the previous day and decided on a whim to get a friend for him. Lucy wasn’t a very happy kitten when we got her, she was covered in fleas and had worms. She had sad eyes but also a bit of an attitude and I was worried we had made a mistake. I couldn’t have been more wrong. A month or two of getting her sorted and she was a different cat. Loving, friendly and there isn’t an aggressive bone in her body.

I can never resist taking a photo of her looking so sweet, and decided this morning to look back over previous months when I had taken photos of her during the first day of my period,  and thought I’d share them, as they really are very sweet.

So I need to get over the hump of today, and then onto the next month (month 15 of trying) for us.

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PS the first photo below is right now and the rest go back over the past 7 months 🙂

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A Break Away

I fancy writing a positive post, and one about a different area of my life, not the trying to conceive part.

So M and I went to Amsterdam two weeks ago for a three night break. It was fantastic! The feeling of the place was one of calm, the moment we arrived I took a deep breathe and decided to forget as many of my problems as I possibly could. So many of our conversations lately revolve around not getting pregnant and DIY to the house (don’t get me wrong, that’s one of my favourite topics) but it was refreshing to go to an entirely new place together and explore.

On the first evening we found a little old fashioned looking steak house, the walls were mahogany wood and the ceilings were low. It was cozy and warm and the smell of the food enticed us in. M ordered a beer and I had a double gin and tonic. And I felt like “us” again. We chatted about what we would like to see in Amsterdam and what food we fancied that evening. M ended up going for a steak (wise choice in a steak house) and I opted for seabass. It was an amazing meal, and afterwards we headed to a bar called the Chocolate Bar (minus any chocolate unfortunately!) and had another drink before heading off to our lovely hotel.

All I thought about whilst I was out there was what I was doing at that very moment, be it eating (and we did a whole lot of that), seeing something new, or immersing myself into a different culture for a short while. We walked for miles and miles without realising, and the exercise felt great. We spent hours having brunch, which is one of my favourites meals. One morning we found a place called “Coffee and Coconuts” which was a converted 1920’s picture house. The building was vast and went up three floors. Our table was suspended by ropes and the food was eclectic! We chose the same off the menu, because it looked so interesting: mashed avocado with scrambled eggs on top, a coconut pancake with raspberry coulis and a little pot of vanilla yoghurt with granola. Very different to my usual porridge and just fantastic. One of my happiest breakfasts ever!

On a different note, we visited Anne Frank’s house which was emotional, and really helped me put my life into perspective. I cannot begin to comprehend what people and families must have been through during such a harrowing time, the fear and loss must have been unbearable.

Amsterdam is surrounded by water which had such a calming effect. We bought the most fancy chocolates (and most expensive) and ate them whilst overlooking a beautiful canal (I went for lemongrass, and have never tasted anything like it). We walked more and stopped in a pancake house for a bacon pancake and rum tea.

I haven’t even mentioned the bikes yet! My job is related to cycling and so I was so interested with how Amsterdam gets around. And let me tell you, it’s all by bike! Literally, hundreds of thousands of bikes, and you need your wits about you at all times, because more often than not, you’re in a cycle lane by mistake. The Dutch cycle along having their breakfast, talking on the phone, or chatting with friends, it’s such a standard way of life for them.

And so it was an amazing three days, and we will be back. I’ve shared a couple of photos below, incase anyone is interested.

I’m glad I wrote this post, just reminiscing about this trip has really cheered me up this evening

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A weekend of fun: a negative test result and an infertility clinic

So, I think it’s in the title really, this weekend has been quite difficult- but I think I”m feeling ok about it.

So to begin with, there was the BFN (Big Fat No) yesterday. Why was I even surprised? We had completely missed trying at the correct time this month, so why would I even let myself think it possible? Last week I was being so sensible, really I was, but then the “what ifs” started to creep in. I had a cold earlier in the month so what if I ovulated later this month, and so actually we did try at the right time after all? And why weren’t my breasts sore straight after ovulation this month? Why? Why?! Cue Google and lots of posts telling me that this is a positive sign of being pregnancy for some (of course it is, everything is if you Google it correctly!). And so I allowed myself to feel hopeful anyway, when I never really had a right to. I stared and stared at the test on Saturday morning, holding it in different lights and pulling silly squinty faces to try and see the non-existent second line. Reluctantly I finally threw it away after a good 10 minutes of some serious studying.

So anyway, following that delightful start to the day, it was onto the infertility clinic, for my first initial chat. Nothing much to say on this really, only that it all made the whole thing a lot more real. I took a few deep breathes when I first arrived as I wanted to be as coherent as possible, not sobbing uncontrollably. I actually managed to hold it together pretty well and the next step is a hysterosalpingogram (can anyone actually say this?!) and then we go from there once the results are in.

Feeling a bit defeated but trying to remember it’s my hormones as well that are bringing me down. I always feel this way around now, and thankfully it does always pass. Come on period just show up so I can move onto the next month please.

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