Google Abuse

Dear Google,

I’m so sorry for the abuse last month, it wasn’t big nor clever, and I will try and be better next month.

I’m confess I wasted my precious my precious time and yours by searching the following:

  • can a cold delay ovulation
  • my breasts usually hurt after my period, but pain came later this month
  • how quickly does acupuncture help you get pregnant
  • breasts hurt more at the front than the sides bfp?
  • nipples look darker bfp
  • feeling bloated tww
  • headaches three days in a row following ovulation
  • Sinus pain early pregnancy sign
  • mouth ulcer two early pregnancy sign
  • feeling cold tww bfp
  • feeling shivery tww bfp
  • fish oil helping fertility
  • runny nose tww
  • having a nap in tww bfp
  • breasts feel heavy bfp
  • 10dpo bfn followed by bfp
  • 12dpo bfn followed by bfp
  • 12dpo nauseous
  • burning feeling in throat tww bfp
  • cramps felt different this month
  • cramps didn’t follow ovulation like usual
  • negative test but then positive test
  • awaking early two bfp
  • first response stats
  • first response accuracy
  • ovulated later than i thought bfp
  • spotting 14dpo bfp
  • twinges in stomach tww

Hmm I can’t decide which one I’m most proud of.

And these are only the ones I remember….this was despite not even trying at the right time this month ( I then became convinced I might have ovulated late and therefore got it right anyway)

Yours shamefully

SC x

Advertisements

A weekend of fun: a negative test result and an infertility clinic

So, I think it’s in the title really, this weekend has been quite difficult- but I think I”m feeling ok about it.

So to begin with, there was the BFN (Big Fat No) yesterday. Why was I even surprised? We had completely missed trying at the correct time this month, so why would I even let myself think it possible? Last week I was being so sensible, really I was, but then the “what ifs” started to creep in. I had a cold earlier in the month so what if I ovulated later this month, and so actually we did try at the right time after all? And why weren’t my breasts sore straight after ovulation this month? Why? Why?! Cue Google and lots of posts telling me that this is a positive sign of being pregnancy for some (of course it is, everything is if you Google it correctly!). And so I allowed myself to feel hopeful anyway, when I never really had a right to. I stared and stared at the test on Saturday morning, holding it in different lights and pulling silly squinty faces to try and see the non-existent second line. Reluctantly I finally threw it away after a good 10 minutes of some serious studying.

So anyway, following that delightful start to the day, it was onto the infertility clinic, for my first initial chat. Nothing much to say on this really, only that it all made the whole thing a lot more real. I took a few deep breathes when I first arrived as I wanted to be as coherent as possible, not sobbing uncontrollably. I actually managed to hold it together pretty well and the next step is a hysterosalpingogram (can anyone actually say this?!) and then we go from there once the results are in.

Feeling a bit defeated but trying to remember it’s my hormones as well that are bringing me down. I always feel this way around now, and thankfully it does always pass. Come on period just show up so I can move onto the next month please.

SC x

Inspiration

I’ve had a little break from the blog, M and I went to Amsterdam for a lovely break – more of that in another post I think: lots of time to think things over and figure out some stuff.

One thing that I’ve been feeling for a while now is a little bit useless. As a woman it sometimes seems as though one of the fundamental functions of my body should be to conceive.  I mean that’s why my I have a uterus and ovaries right? That’s why I have those delightful periods every month along with a few hormonal hiccups to boot. It makes me guilty that I can’t give M the baby that he is so desperate to have, and to be honest I’ve been feeling a little bit like I’m broken.

Do you know what has helped me change my frame of mind about this? Joining the blogging world and understanding how many strong and amazing women there are out there. It’s made me realise that being able to conceive is not the definition of womanhood: we are so much more than that. There are women out there who are a lot further down the infertility route than I am (14 months of trying), but their courage, resilience and sense of humour during such difficult times has amazed me. Month after month we women pick ourselves up again, getting ourselves in the right head space to start all over again for the next month. The strength to do this, time and time again should never be underestimated.

To me, this strength is the ultimate definition of being a woman.

SC x

Having a Month off – to Stress or not to Stress?

Since we started trying to get pregnant (13 months and counting) we haven’t had what I would describe as a “month off”. Every month I’ve gone through the “am I or aren’t I” game and to be honest it’s exhausting. I’ve often thought that the notion of a month off from trying altogether would be a relief: I could have a drink without feeling guilty, forget to take all my annoying supplements and vitamins and just generally focus on other areas of my life for a bit. And perhaps the disappointment wouldn’t be so crushing if I knew there was no chance of pregnancy at all.  But, every month, when ovulation time comes round, it’s so hard to let go – what if this is the month that it’s meant to be and we have missed it? Do we really want to miss an opportunity here? So there have been a few months where I’ve suggested to M that we have a break, but then never been able to keep to my own conviction.

So this month, due to work stress, both of us being very busy, feeling unwell and other factors, we hadn’t really planned to miss a month, but it sort of happened anyway – for the first time. I thought I would feel relieved, I thought it would abate the pressure, but actually, it hasn’t helped at all. For every day that we didn’t try during my fertile days, I felt stressed and annoyed that we were wasting an opportunity. And I’ve realised that for every month that we do try, then there is at least hope. Hope that this month we might have actually made a baby, whereas this month, I know that we won’t have. There will be no point in symptom spotting and no allowing my mind to wander with “what if”. I’m going to miss it, the very thing that is driving me crazy each month also appears to be the very thing that is keeping me going, and that revolves around hope.

And so, at least now I know, that for me, missing a month of trying isn’t going to reduce my stress levels or make me any happier. The only thing I can enjoy this month is guilt free drinking, which at this point doesn’t even sound that great, although I’m sure as the days roll on I will be taking advantage of it……

SC x

28 Days Later

It seems my life is ruled sometimes by the 28 days of my cycle. I don’t want to live my life from month to month, but as soon as I get my period, I find myself waiting for the window of ovulation so we can try again. And then of course I’m in the two week wait, before my period arrives again. When I do get my period, it hits me hard because:

1) I’m not pregnant. Again.

2) The pain is horrendous – I consider it a good month if I don’t collapse and black out, or vomit from the pain

3) Whatever I have planned, be it going to work or seeing friends, has to be cancelled, as I can barely leave my bed let alone the house. When it’s work that I miss I spend the whole day worrying and feeling helpless

And so to deal with this trauma, I’ve decided that each month when my period comes (which of course it does, every time), I get a little treat.  It’s not always possible to buy myself something every month, so I have to get creative, but I always decide what I’m going to get before I get my period so I have something to look forward to. So for example, a few months ago I decided that if I got my period then I would go and get my hair dyed really really blonde, just for a change as much as anything else. So I had a few miserable days but it helped knowing that I had something that was going to make me feel good: it’s almost an incentive to keep me going sometimes. Other months I have treated myself to a whole night of pampering (something I love but never make the time for), or I’ve bought a lovely bubble bath. It doesn’t have to be something huge, but just something to acknowledge that I’ve been through a time.

I think the point of this post is that when you are trying to conceive and it’s not happening then it’s hard. It’s exhausting and it feels like a battle that might never be won. It’s draining and sometimes the only answer is to have a really good cry. So we should take the time to be kind to ourselves, to accept that this is not an easy time and perhaps acknowledge that we are stronger and braver than perhaps we give ourselves credit for.

SC x

Just Relax And It Will Happen

Anyone who has been trying to conceive without success has probably been given this advice.  But how many women who have been branded with the infertile label are generally feeling relaxed about it?! Most of us have been prodded and poked to within an inch of our lives. We follow weird diets (“pineapple anyone?”) and we take a million supplements a day (“mmm fish oil, yes please”). We google our symptoms (“my little toe hurts could I be pregnant”?), and we worry about never having a family of our own. We work hard at our relationships during the stressful times and sometimes take it out on those we love the most. Sometimes we allow ourselves to be hopeful, that perhaps this is the month after all, and then we deal with the disappointment that follows. Doesn’t sound like a recipe for relaxation to me.

Because what people forget is what time can do to a person. We all started trying to conceive in a good place. We were relaxed and we were hopeful, but until you personally go through it, until you experience the disappointment month after month, it’s hard to explain how waiting for something that just isn’t happening can simply wear you down sometimes.

As for me, I do not currently use ovulation sticks, or take my temperature, so I wouldn’t say that was anything I could physically change to relax more:  I really think that if it was as simple as just “relaxing” then something would have happened by now. Whilst obsessively googling ways to get pregnant, I often come across the phrase “we just stopped trying and it happened for us”. It’s great that for some people that works, but I just can’t see that ever working for us….I have a very good idea of when I”m ovulating, and so I know when we should be trying, so why would we not try around the very time I know we should be? I cannot pretend I have forgotten where I am in my cycle, I’m too far into the “trying to conceive” game to be successful at forgetting this information. And how is not having sex at the right time really going to help?

Hmm this post has become a bit of a rant – just about to start another month of TTC and not feeling it today – better file this one under “negativity”, and of course “patience” 🙂

SC x

Acupuncture and Moxi What?!

So my husband and I have been trying to conceive for 13 months. We’ve had no luck. Last year I tried reflexology –  I’d heard positive stories and thought it sounded like a fancy foot massage so had no problem with giving it a go. The sessions were relaxing and I definitely benefited from them, but come the end of 2014 and still not a hint of pregnancy, I decided to try something new: acupuncture.

Acupuncture was not necessarily an easy choice for me, I have a bit of a fear of needles and did not really understand how it all worked, but I reached the point where I was willing to try anything, so off I went.

I was so nervous during my first session, and I’m not embarrassed to admit that my husband “M” had to come with me and hold my hand. The first hour was brilliant though as my practitioner took a huge amount of time getting to know me and my situation. It was therapeutic and rather lovely to have someone’s full attention for such a long time. She studied my tongue which is said to reflect my overall health and also took my pulse (again, not something I like, I hate anyone touching my wrists, something to do with the prominent veins showing).

Once I was lying on the table, I got worked up again and M had to stroke my forehead to calm me down. Despite my somewhat crazy behaviour (or normal for me) my practitioner was very understanding and gave me a lot of reassurance. During my first session I only had one needle in each toe and one in each hand. I managed to lay still for 20 minutes which for me was a mini triumph in itself.

As far as I understand from my practitioner, I have a stagnant blood problem and my womb is “cold” which is not ideal for conception. Acupuncture is used to gently encourage the movement of energy back around my body (I’m sure it’s more technical than this, but this is how I interpreted it). I suppose it does help to explain my painful periods, and since noone else can tell me what’s going on, I’m open to this idea for now!

I came away feeling proud that I had faced the needle fear, and confident that this was going to help me in my quest to get pregnant. I guess only time will tell.

I’ve now had three treatments. The second treatment didn’t go so well as I came over faint (of course I did) and a sugary drink had to be rushed into the room before I keeled over (all in my head). But the most recent treatment was much better. As well as the needles, I had something called “moxibustion”. I’d never heard of it, but essentially it’s a Chinese herb which looks like a cigar and is lit and held over the acupuncture points to warm them. It was warming and relaxing, and I could feel a strange pressure in my stomach. I liked the strange feeling, as it helped me to believe that something “different” was going on.

I”ve been given the moxi sticks to use at home. I used the first one last night. It feels strange waving a red hot poker stick above my stomach, I suspect if I stopped and questioned it too much I would wonder how I got to this point… but for now I”m going with it, for as long as I don’t drop the thing onto my stomach and severely burn myself then there can be no harm in trying….right??

SC x

IMG_3090