Here We Go Again

So I haven’t mentioned this yet, but the HSG test did have a side effect after all: my period. A week early. Only a little over 3 weeks from the previous one.

For some, this probably wouldn’t be a big deal, but for me, it’s a nightmare because of the crippling pain / missed time off work. And this one was bad. Bad in a way I won’t even go into, but it was three days of utter agony and was physically and mentally exhausting.

But anyway, onwards and upwards – we are onto a new month of trying. I thought I’d feel excited but to be honest I just feel a bit defeated by it all at the moment. I’m still waiting for the HSG results and have been tormenting myself with what they might show. Despite a laparoscopy five years ago which said no endometriosis, I’m convinced I must have something like that, because what else could be causing this type of pain? Pain that causes black outs and prevents me from being able to think in a coherent way cannot be normal can it? But to diagnose this I would need another laparoscopy – last time I took a long time to recover and I just don’t feel that I can through another. And it’s more time off work again. I guess I’ll worry about that if and when it becomes a possibility.

So yes, trying to muster up some enthusiasm for this month, but to be honest, after almost a year and a half of absolutely nothing it really doesn’t feel like pregnancy is even a possibility. I see pictures of people’s positive pregnancy tests, with the two lines peeping out, and  can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like to see those two little life changers staring back at me. I’ve only ever been a one line kind of girl.

Last month was my month off, and it was interesting because despite knowing that there was absolutely no chance of pregnancy, I still had “symptoms”. Of course the sore breasts, but also weird stabbing pains, nausea and bleeding gums. What I hope this has shown me is that obviously these “symptoms” do not automatically mean that I am pregnant, sometimes they are just part of my monthly cycle. So I’m hoping this month I can ignore a lot of these feelings and therefore feel a little more sane as we move onto a brand new month on the TTC treadmill.

SC x

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Lucy. Much needed love and company

Today is my least favourite of the month. It’s the day my period turns up, bringing along the familiar disappointment with it, the crippling pain and of course the worry of missing work, yet again. Since 4am this morning I’ve been awake with debilitating pain, it’s 10am now and I’m just being allowed some respite before it all kicks off again. I deal with this all day, completely alone, I get a few hours of respite followed by pain that sends me out of my mind. Getting up, even for a glass of water kicks the pain off again, so I limit my movements as much as possible.

So yes, today is a struggle, but one little thing that keeps me going is my Lucy. I totally appreciate that not everyone loves cats as much as I do – but for me, she’s my saviour at this time of the month, she just doesn’t leave my side. It’s a real comfort and I’d be lost without her, she absolutely knows when I’m feeling unwell like this.

We found Lucy online from a private seller. We had picked up Freddie our boy cat the previous day and decided on a whim to get a friend for him. Lucy wasn’t a very happy kitten when we got her, she was covered in fleas and had worms. She had sad eyes but also a bit of an attitude and I was worried we had made a mistake. I couldn’t have been more wrong. A month or two of getting her sorted and she was a different cat. Loving, friendly and there isn’t an aggressive bone in her body.

I can never resist taking a photo of her looking so sweet, and decided this morning to look back over previous months when I had taken photos of her during the first day of my period,  and thought I’d share them, as they really are very sweet.

So I need to get over the hump of today, and then onto the next month (month 15 of trying) for us.

SC x

PS the first photo below is right now and the rest go back over the past 7 months 🙂

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Q: How are you? A: I’ve got my period

So I’ve noticed that I talk about my period too much. When it shows up, I cannot resist telling my poor unsuspecting friends and family every single month. When we first started trying I arguably did a silly thing and told a lot of people. I was excited: M and I have been together since 2001 and so it was fun to spreading the news. I really wish I hadn’t now.

But, as time has passed, I realise that I have this compulsive need to announce to people that my period has arrived, and to let them know that once again I am not pregnant. I don’t like the idea that they might be wondering if I am, and now I’m in the habit of talking about it each month, I can’t really stop! I don’t even really want the possibility of me being pregnant to cross their minds as it feels like an additional layer of disappointment that is out of my control.

I don’t know anyone else that rambles on about their periods as much as I do. I guess because they are such a big part of my life (I have debilitating period pain), but I do hear myself sometimes and realise that it’s not the easiest thing for someone to respond to.  I’m due my period this weekend (see I’m telling the world now, I just can’t help myself) but I am going to try and challenge myself this month not to talk about it to my long suffering friends and family!

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How I Got Here: A Brief History

So as I’ve mentioned, my husband “M” and I have been trying to conceive for 13 months now. Even as I type that, it seems strange that I have become someone with fertility problems: recently it feels as though my life is revolving around every 28 days on a constant roller coaster of hope, anticipation, disappointment and then a boiling point of anger, frustration and sadness.

Let me rewind a little. Since my early 20’s I have suffered with severe period pain. I don’t mean the type of pain that is soothed with a couple of nurofen and a hot water bottle, but I mean deliberating pain, pain which makes me vomit, collapse and sweat hot and cold. Pain which I quite literally fear. It doesn’t sound right does it, and although a scan around 2006 showed that I had polycystic ovaries, it didn’t explain the pain. So in 2010 I had a laparoscopy (key hole surgery to check for endometriosis). The results of this were clear, no obvious problems, which I was pleased about on the one hand, but of course disappointed too that there was no obvious treatment for my pain. I’d tried the pill in my early 20’s and it hadn’t really agreed with me, and so I have since been limited to an array of various painkillers – none of which have given me any relief.

So fast forward back to now, and once a month I’m trapped in my own world of unbearable pain. Employers have been understanding but it’s never easy trying to have a successful job with this condition. And now I’m facing the dreaded “infertility” word and cannot help think that the two things must be linked – yet noone is able to make the connection for me. So for now, I live in hope that I might stumble across an amazing cure all on my own. I try different things each month and will use this blog as a place to update.

SC x