Here We Go Again

So I haven’t mentioned this yet, but the HSG test did have a side effect after all: my period. A week early. Only a little over 3 weeks from the previous one.

For some, this probably wouldn’t be a big deal, but for me, it’s a nightmare because of the crippling pain / missed time off work. And this one was bad. Bad in a way I won’t even go into, but it was three days of utter agony and was physically and mentally exhausting.

But anyway, onwards and upwards – we are onto a new month of trying. I thought I’d feel excited but to be honest I just feel a bit defeated by it all at the moment. I’m still waiting for the HSG results and have been tormenting myself with what they might show. Despite a laparoscopy five years ago which said no endometriosis, I’m convinced I must have something like that, because what else could be causing this type of pain? Pain that causes black outs and prevents me from being able to think in a coherent way cannot be normal can it? But to diagnose this I would need another laparoscopy – last time I took a long time to recover and I just don’t feel that I can through another. And it’s more time off work again. I guess I’ll worry about that if and when it becomes a possibility.

So yes, trying to muster up some enthusiasm for this month, but to be honest, after almost a year and a half of absolutely nothing it really doesn’t feel like pregnancy is even a possibility. I see pictures of people’s positive pregnancy tests, with the two lines peeping out, and  can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like to see those two little life changers staring back at me. I’ve only ever been a one line kind of girl.

Last month was my month off, and it was interesting because despite knowing that there was absolutely no chance of pregnancy, I still had “symptoms”. Of course the sore breasts, but also weird stabbing pains, nausea and bleeding gums. What I hope this has shown me is that obviously these “symptoms” do not automatically mean that I am pregnant, sometimes they are just part of my monthly cycle. So I’m hoping this month I can ignore a lot of these feelings and therefore feel a little more sane as we move onto a brand new month on the TTC treadmill.

SC x

Advertisements

Google Abuse

Dear Google,

I’m so sorry for the abuse last month, it wasn’t big nor clever, and I will try and be better next month.

I’m confess I wasted my precious my precious time and yours by searching the following:

  • can a cold delay ovulation
  • my breasts usually hurt after my period, but pain came later this month
  • how quickly does acupuncture help you get pregnant
  • breasts hurt more at the front than the sides bfp?
  • nipples look darker bfp
  • feeling bloated tww
  • headaches three days in a row following ovulation
  • Sinus pain early pregnancy sign
  • mouth ulcer two early pregnancy sign
  • feeling cold tww bfp
  • feeling shivery tww bfp
  • fish oil helping fertility
  • runny nose tww
  • having a nap in tww bfp
  • breasts feel heavy bfp
  • 10dpo bfn followed by bfp
  • 12dpo bfn followed by bfp
  • 12dpo nauseous
  • burning feeling in throat tww bfp
  • cramps felt different this month
  • cramps didn’t follow ovulation like usual
  • negative test but then positive test
  • awaking early two bfp
  • first response stats
  • first response accuracy
  • ovulated later than i thought bfp
  • spotting 14dpo bfp
  • twinges in stomach tww

Hmm I can’t decide which one I’m most proud of.

And these are only the ones I remember….this was despite not even trying at the right time this month ( I then became convinced I might have ovulated late and therefore got it right anyway)

Yours shamefully

SC x

28 Days Later

It seems my life is ruled sometimes by the 28 days of my cycle. I don’t want to live my life from month to month, but as soon as I get my period, I find myself waiting for the window of ovulation so we can try again. And then of course I’m in the two week wait, before my period arrives again. When I do get my period, it hits me hard because:

1) I’m not pregnant. Again.

2) The pain is horrendous – I consider it a good month if I don’t collapse and black out, or vomit from the pain

3) Whatever I have planned, be it going to work or seeing friends, has to be cancelled, as I can barely leave my bed let alone the house. When it’s work that I miss I spend the whole day worrying and feeling helpless

And so to deal with this trauma, I’ve decided that each month when my period comes (which of course it does, every time), I get a little treat.  It’s not always possible to buy myself something every month, so I have to get creative, but I always decide what I’m going to get before I get my period so I have something to look forward to. So for example, a few months ago I decided that if I got my period then I would go and get my hair dyed really really blonde, just for a change as much as anything else. So I had a few miserable days but it helped knowing that I had something that was going to make me feel good: it’s almost an incentive to keep me going sometimes. Other months I have treated myself to a whole night of pampering (something I love but never make the time for), or I’ve bought a lovely bubble bath. It doesn’t have to be something huge, but just something to acknowledge that I’ve been through a time.

I think the point of this post is that when you are trying to conceive and it’s not happening then it’s hard. It’s exhausting and it feels like a battle that might never be won. It’s draining and sometimes the only answer is to have a really good cry. So we should take the time to be kind to ourselves, to accept that this is not an easy time and perhaps acknowledge that we are stronger and braver than perhaps we give ourselves credit for.

SC x

Just Relax And It Will Happen

Anyone who has been trying to conceive without success has probably been given this advice.  But how many women who have been branded with the infertile label are generally feeling relaxed about it?! Most of us have been prodded and poked to within an inch of our lives. We follow weird diets (“pineapple anyone?”) and we take a million supplements a day (“mmm fish oil, yes please”). We google our symptoms (“my little toe hurts could I be pregnant”?), and we worry about never having a family of our own. We work hard at our relationships during the stressful times and sometimes take it out on those we love the most. Sometimes we allow ourselves to be hopeful, that perhaps this is the month after all, and then we deal with the disappointment that follows. Doesn’t sound like a recipe for relaxation to me.

Because what people forget is what time can do to a person. We all started trying to conceive in a good place. We were relaxed and we were hopeful, but until you personally go through it, until you experience the disappointment month after month, it’s hard to explain how waiting for something that just isn’t happening can simply wear you down sometimes.

As for me, I do not currently use ovulation sticks, or take my temperature, so I wouldn’t say that was anything I could physically change to relax more:  I really think that if it was as simple as just “relaxing” then something would have happened by now. Whilst obsessively googling ways to get pregnant, I often come across the phrase “we just stopped trying and it happened for us”. It’s great that for some people that works, but I just can’t see that ever working for us….I have a very good idea of when I”m ovulating, and so I know when we should be trying, so why would we not try around the very time I know we should be? I cannot pretend I have forgotten where I am in my cycle, I’m too far into the “trying to conceive” game to be successful at forgetting this information. And how is not having sex at the right time really going to help?

Hmm this post has become a bit of a rant – just about to start another month of TTC and not feeling it today – better file this one under “negativity”, and of course “patience” 🙂

SC x